Following the American dream...

these past few days have been quite interesting, I've gotta admit it. I'm in a weird place of my life right now where I don't know what's going on and IT FREAKS ME OUT! Graduated last month, applying for jobs and living my life in my college town where my friends still study and work and live their lives, while me...I'm just here waiting, trying to make something happen and trying to make a change in my life. The other day I was 100% depressed: I felt like nobody around me was going through the same - aka, I did something wrong to be in such a fucked up situation! No job, from tomorrow no home, in few weeks no money, as usual no boyfriend, no family, no friends to relate to...I felt so alone and as I couldn't hold on to anything or anybody. I felt as I was the in the center of my compass and I couldn't find my north pole, and I keep just spinning and spinning around with no direction and no future hope. But that was yesterday...last night after an horrible day spent crying on the phone with my mom, moving out of my room to sleep on an air matress in my living room, saw HIM avoiding me after what we've told each other, recieved the worst booty call from an ex who seemed to have changed his mind on the phone, and after my best friend seemed to have avoided me for the past few weeks since his in-laws were in town, Kandice called me and thank god we hang out!!! Hector picked me up and it was the all good times again! Me Hector Kandice and Luke hanging out, playing cards and drinking beer, watching comedy shows, talking about life and beliefs. It just bumped to my mind that it is all worth it. What I am goin through right now IS ALL WORTH IT. My friends fill my heart in a way that makes me feel alive. On nights like that I just like to sit back and observe them and I feel so good, I feel the love all around, no boundaries and no constraints. Pure 100% love of friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything else. Sometimes I feel lonely and I wished I'd wake up in the morning in HIS arms, feeling HIS love...but it doesn't matter cause what I've found in my friends' hearts already fulfills me, I don't need HIM and HIS built-up character and HIS full-of-himself personality!!! Knadice and Luke are the only people here in Columbia that I can still relate to. They're moving in 3 weeks to DC and still don't have a job there, they're making the big move and they're as scared and excited of life as I am. They have each other, they have their beliefs, their friends and their memories, and that's all they need. That's all I need. I had thought for the past few days that I wasn't gonna make it, that I had to go back to Italy and dispite my mom saying that I wouldn't be a failure, hell yeah! that's how I'd feel! But then my dear friend, the American dream, just showed up in the conversation and in Kandice's eyes: we're gonna make it! We'll make it and then we'll say WE HAD IT! We lived it, we'll have what we have dreamt of because we're in America and that's how people live their lives. I've gotta stop being scared, I like to see myself as a resourceful person. Kandice gave me the idea of getting a shitty job while waiting for an opportunity to come and man! I can do it. I'm not failing it, I'm obteining it with all my strenghts and my hopes. It is ALL UP TO ME, no predestination and no "mean to be" whole shit, it's ME!!! I'll fight for what I want and I'll get it, nobody in the way!
Be ware....as Luke would say: we're Ameri-Can't's!!!